Make Them Hate You!

7 02 2011

“I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him.”

 ~Booker T. Washington

Someone said to me recently…”If you want to hurt someone – make him hate you”.

Rather harsh…but true.

When I look back to the times when I’ve been hurting badly, I was invariably holding onto my hate of the person whom I believed had betrayed my trust in some way.

Yet I was the one – not them – who was suffering as a result of the negative feelings I was harbouring.

No matter how much anger I would project in their direction, they just merrily went about their business, totally unaffected by my hateful thoughts – and oblivious to how I was feeling towards them.

If I had continued to hold onto these hateful thoughts and negative feelings – ultimately it would have been me who paid the price of my resentment

My anger would have festered, causing me stress and angst…possibly resulting in a bout of illness or dis-ease.

Forgiveness is the key in ALL instances…no matter how badly someone may have treated us. I learnt this lesson many years ago and I am now quick to forgive people.

Sometimes I was my own worst enemy by forgiving someone to such an extent that I allowed them back into my life – when I really needed to let them go.

And if no lessons were learnt the first time around – the whole destructive cycle would kick off all over again. 

The first time I allowed this to happen…it was a mistake.

The second time…it was total stupidity

The third time…it was just complete madness

There is a lot to be said for ‘loving someone from a distance’…and this has been a hard lesson for me to learn as it often means saying ‘goodbye’ to people who I still care about in many ways.

But…for their sake…and for mine…it is important to recognise when it is time to break the cycle and to kiss them goodbye…with love.

So from now on – if the transgression is serious enough – it will be one count and they will be out

…after I’ve forgiven them of course!

Day 39 – 365 Days of Celebration

Today I will be celebrating the power of forgiveness – for setting me free.

Advertisements

Actions

Information

38 responses

7 02 2011
Redneckprincess

So true Juls…so true 🙂

7 02 2011
1961 Girl

Thanks babe 🙂 I know you understand me!

7 02 2011
Jean Paul

Bravo and well said! It does set you free :). I have two direct examples of that, both concerning romantic relationships. My wife and I parted in such a manner, some years ago, and remain good friends. And I recently parted from a girlfriend with (exactly as you put it) a kiss goodbye with love. I certainly feel better about all of those times and I believe they do too.

Thanks you for sharing the message Juls. There’s too much pain in the world, and a little forgiveness (it isn’t hard, is it?) goes a long way.

7 02 2011
1961 Girl

Hi JP,

I am so pleased that you were able to part on such good terms with your romantic partners. It takes a lot of love and much courage to kiss people goodbye…with love. We can only do this – from the heart – when we have truly forgiven them (and often ouselves – for our part in the drama).

Yes…there is too much pain in the world – and most of it is self-inflicted xxx

7 02 2011
Richard

Thank you for this post. It is a perfect reminder for me just about now. I remember a long time ago, someone told me their heart had been “hardened” by past relationships. I thought how sad. Don’t ever let someone “harden your heart.”
Now, this post and my own memories remind me to heed my own advice.

7 02 2011
Lisa

So wise. I struggle with this daily; with letting go of the hate that hinders me and moving forward with forgiveness. But I am learning, and it helps to hear that other people go through this struggle and learn to let go with love.

7 02 2011
1961 Girl

Hi Lisa.

Yes…it can be a real struggle at times. Letting people go often means letting go of many of our plans and dreams that were weaved around our relationship. So, it isn’t just the person we are saying ‘goodbye’ to…it is also the lose of our dreams that we have to mourn. This can be a really tough call…and goes some way to explaining why so many of us stay stuck in destructive relationships. Juls

7 02 2011
classyrose

Juls, that’s true, but that’s not so easy to do when it’s a family member who just doesn’t see it or get it. Someone who just sweeps things under the carpet, totally forgets what they’ve said or how they acted towards you. And as far as they are concerned, they’ve done nothing wrong and ask why you are upset with them. Those are the tough ones. 🙂

7 02 2011
1961 Girl

Family members can be our greatest challenge…and I wouldn’t suggest for a minute that we can easily walk away from every person who ‘does us wrong’. (as much as we would like to at times!) Sometimes, it is better to just cut them off at the pass. For instance, today I was talking with my mum and telling her about the blog and how I’d ‘gone public’ with my Dystonia. She just didn’t ‘get it’ and couldn’t understand why I would want to be telling the world about my condition. In her book, these things are best left hidden away. Rather than let her attitude rile me – I just told her that I understood her views – and that I would now change the subject and would go back to talking to a more receptive audience! Juls 🙂

7 02 2011
Richard

Thank you for this post. It came at just the right time, for me. Years ago, someone told me their heart had been “hardened” by past relationships. I remeber thinking, “How sad”. I told them they should never let someone “harden” their heart. You can’t give up to other people, that which makes you “you”. I’m at an unexpected place where, taking my own advice — and reading this post has/will come in very handy. Nice blog!

7 02 2011
1961 Girl

Thank you Richard. To hear someone describe their heart as being ‘hardened’ is so sad as our language often describes what is going on inside us…and a ‘hardened’ heart is not good news. I hope your friend finds the courage to forgive and to reap the benefits this will bring them. Taking our own advice is hard…but well worth it…we are all on a journey here. Juls

7 02 2011
Joy l 2LivewithJoy

Excellent post, Julie. The lessons of life can be hard to learn and some of us wish it didn’t take us 1/2 a lifetime to learn them.

Hopefully, the insights you share will make the journey easier for the “young-ns” coming up after you (and be reminders for some of the rest of us who are walking side by side with you).

Looking forward to more wisdom as you continue your 365 days of celebration. 🙂

8 02 2011
1961 Girl

Perhaps we need to get to a certain age in order to look back and realise just how many lessons we’ve learnt along the way. Some can be taught…but most need to be learnt.

Thanks so much for your lovely comment…I shall look forward to sharing more of my journey with you over the next 365 days! Juls 🙂

7 02 2011
Papa Joe

You speak some mighty powerful truths Juls and say them beautifully. I have trouble believing you’re turning 50 but your wisdom speaks of a wise soul that’s much older. Yet your picture still convinces me your 35 and your love of life convinces me that your even younger in your heart.

You really have a lot of different birthdays to celebrate this year now don’t you Juls?! 😉

Happy Birthday Sweety. 🙂

– Papa Joe

7 02 2011
barb19

A thought-provoking post Julie, and a very valuable one. Over the years, I have learned that if we can’t forgive, we will never move on, always stuck in that dark place. Life is too short, so we need to learn to forgive so we can get on with our life and enjoy it.

7 02 2011
mrsled

I can relate to everything you have said. The hate maybe no so much but the forgiveness over and over again. Oh that is so me!… I have been a real right charlie in my time due to forgiving and trying again. Now I am in my ‘ mature ‘ years … forgive once and that’s it!

7 02 2011
eof737

I haven’t heard the term about making someone hate you but I can relate to the pain we feel when we are hurt by wounding behavior from others. Life is short and brutal… I’m all for moving on and away from abusive and thoughtless people. 🙂
E

7 02 2011
Marcia

I agree with Rose about how to forgive or even whether to forgive when it’s a family member who has upset you. I’ve done a lot of forgiving in my time, it was either that or go through life with no parents, and when you’re adopted (as I was) parents are kind of special, even if they screw your life up.
I think it’s personal choice, many would have walked away in my situation but I wasn’t prepared to lose everything despite it not being perfect. Many years have gone by now and we all seem to have reached a level of understanding with each other, it’s still not perfect but I’ve learned to take as I find and without forgiveness we are the ones who suffer, like you said.

7 02 2011
frizztext

Sometimes I was my own worst enemy by forgiving someone to such an extent that I allowed them back into my life – when I really needed to let them go… – well said!
greetings from
https://flickrcomments.wordpress.com/2011/02/04/distant-point-of-view/

7 02 2011
Jenny Marlow

Great stuff Julie. We all need reminding of this. Acknowledge, accept, dismiss and move on and don’t look back. I think, on the occasions I’ve managed to do this – eventually there’s always been relief.

Always ! perhaps it was a lesson to be learnt, not a new life long friend that ended in failure. thanks, Julie.

8 02 2011
1961 Girl

Thanks Jenny. I can usually handle your first three points pretty well…it is the last one that I find is the greatest challenge!

Good luck with your new blog 🙂

7 02 2011
writerwoman61

I’ve also been the victim of my own stupidity…letting someone back in that should have been gone the first time…I’m not sure if I’ll ever forgive the people who have hurt me the most, but at least I’ve moved on…

Thanks for the reminder!

Wendy

8 02 2011
1961 Girl

Today I remembered some advice I was given a while back…Forgive and Forget…if you can’t do both…pick one!
I think that is good advice as helps us to forgive ourselves for our human failings. I may not be perfect…that would not be enough…I am enough!

Thanks for stopping by to leave your great comment 🙂

7 02 2011
mybusinessaddiction

I believe when people hurt you, it is one of two things:
Either they don’t know or;
they don’t care.

I’ve learnt how to ‘love from a distance’. It’s very hard at first, then it becomes empowering. One of the best posts I’ve ever read. Awesome! K

8 02 2011
1961 Girl

What a brilliant observation – thank you so much. Loving from a distance sounds simple, but as you discovered, it is easier said that done. And is well worth the effort once you get past the early withdrawal stages. Thanks for stopping by and for your great comment 🙂

7 02 2011
7 02 2011
Seashell

Juls, you are constantly reminding me of how to be good to myself. Sometimes we forget that hating someone or not forgiving someone only hurts ourselves. Thank you for the gentle reminder.
~ shell

7 02 2011
elizabeth.beckerley

Good grief, what alot of posts. Took me about an hour (a little exaggeration there) to get down to the bottom of the page.
Wanted to say that I totally agree with this post though. The bible addresses this. It says that when you hate somebody, it doesn’t harm that person. But it festers and eats away at the person who hates.
If ever I feel angry at somebody, I remember these words and “let it go.” A great sense of peace follows. I often give my children this advice if ever they have angry rants. xxx

8 02 2011
1961 Girl

Hey Liz…thanks for being such a loyal friend and ploughing through a load of my posts in one go…brave girl!
Good to have you back xxx 🙂

7 02 2011
Quidmont

You’re gathering quite a followig Julie. And it’s well deserved. I see several posts from you over the last few days that cover some pretty heavy topics in wonderfully accessible form. Keep up quality like this and people will be beating a path to your door!

Good luck keeping up with the comments Juls. 😉

Happy Birthday!

– Bob

8 02 2011
1961 Girl

Thank you Bob…for your lovely comments…and for being such a wonderful supporter.
Yes…some of my recent posts have covered some ‘heavy’ subjects…as it felt right to share in this way.
I promise they’ll get lighter again very soon!!!
Juls 🙂
And thanks for the birthday wishes!

8 02 2011
Quidmont

Happy Birthday Juls!

Please promise you WON’T change your blog for anyone’s comments. You’ve got something wonderful here and it shows. The following you’re gathering speaks for itself.

If some of the topics you present are “heavy” that’s good. It’s your blog and if it feels right to YOU, it IS. Fortunately you have a nack for turning even the heavy topics into celebrations. That makes them easier to enjoy and fit with your stated theme at the same time.

I love your posts, heavy or otherwise. And you always finish them off with, “Today I will be celebrating …”. What a wonderful way of closing and continuing at the same time all while celebrating. Remember it for when you do the sign-off on your TV show. 😉

Happy Birthday Juls!

– Bob

9 02 2011
1961 Girl

Hi Bob,

You are right…I tend to write about whatever subject feels right on that day. Some days they are light and upbeat…and other days they are more thought provoking. Finishing off each post with one of my 365 reasons for celebration helps me to complete my post on an upbeat note, regardless of how ‘heavy’ the subject might have been. (And even ‘heavy’ could be viewed as subjective!)

Thanks for the birthday wishes,
Juls 🙂

8 02 2011
Marion Driessen

Forgive and let go. Why didn’t you come into my life sooner eh! 😉 I could have used this advice earlier! (as you know) 😛

Forgiving can be harder than hating – forgetting is a whole different matter. That’s the one thing I can’t do, no matter how hard I try.

Love blog post Juls *hugs*

8 02 2011
Marion Driessen

Forgive and let go. Why didn’t you come into my life sooner eh! 😉 I could have used this advice earlier! (as you know) 😛

Forgiving can be harder than hating – forgetting is a whole different matter. That’s the one thing I can’t do, no matter how hard I try.

Lovely blog post Juls *hugs*

8 02 2011
1961 Girl

Hi Marion.

I totally agree that forgiving can be harder than hating…but it is the forgiveness that sets us free. I find it much easier these days to forgive. As for forgetting…I’ve yet to master this one!
“There’s no point in burying a hatchet if you’re going to put up a marker on the site”. ~Sydney Harris.
This is so true…and like most lessons worth learning…it is a tough one. We all have long memories when it comes to remembering our hurts and erasing these from our memories is quite a challenge. Why is it that we seem to remember the ‘bad’ stuff and forget all the easy to remember day-to-day stuff?
Hugs,
Juls 🙂

8 02 2011
Marion Driessen

Perhaps because we need to learn from the bad stuff and our memory won’t let us forget so we are able to avoid the bad situations in the future? 🙂

9 02 2011
1961 Girl

Good point! Remembering the bad experiences can serve as an effective filtering system to (hopefully) prevent us making the same mistakes again 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




%d bloggers like this: